diary
affirmations
5 17 2025
June 28, 2025
Movies
Touch was heartbreaking. Then I watched half of Three Thousand Years of Longing. Truly beautiful and nice sounds.
Food
: had chickpeas, naan, samosa, dolma, lassi. So, so delicious.
June 29, 2025
Morning
was fed from hunger and protected from harm on this day
August 15, 2025
i am so sorry for when ive been ungrateful infront of your creation im blessed beyond knowledge and understanding im sorry for not focusing on my blessings ya Wadud please have Mercy on me your Perfect mercy i want to narrate your blessings forgive me for when ive showed off forgive me if im doing it now erase my sins im not scared of anyone but You ya Qahhar Creator of the Scale and the Throne Surround me with people who you love and separate me from those you dislike Surround me with people the prophets AS would love and separate me from the people they would dislike surround me with what pleases You and Your messengers AS Make me a fighter for Your deen like You made those before me
August 16 2025
Alhamdulilah Free them all Free Mumia Free Imam Jamil
August 18 2025
so blessed im so good at cooking alhamdulilah i love making my own food and eating it i love cooking for other people but more than anything i love cooking for myself
so blessed im so good at running i love feeling all the air leave my lungs and then re fill abunduntly i love going on long runs well not really that long i miss that one place i was before where i could run to the park and back but you can do that anywhere for real
so blessed im good at reading i love to read i love to see how other people put together words wow i love to see the relationships between the words and what that might mean for the relationship of the concepts to them. i love incredibly detailed writing, i love when people write lists, i love when people write about themselves in the first person. i love when people write about thrones and kingdoms and nobility. i love when people write about every day work and small tasks and their sorrows. i dont always like when people write about love because i dont understand some parts of it. i love when people write about their blessings. i love hearing people narrate their blessings. i love when people write in small ideas and dont feel like expanding. i love when people write and ramble and dis avow curation. i love when people write so much but only if they tell the truth. i hate lies. i love letters that form words that form sentences. i remember writing something with my childhood best friend we were talking about someone having a problem and said something along the lines of the the ant hill turned into a molehill turned into a mountain.
so blessed im good at painting. somewhat. so blessed i enjoy painting and would do it everday. so blessed i see so many colors i want to see the different shades in things. khidr means green means balance means middle means split the hair. do you hear sorrow?
Alhamdulilah nothing i say is embarassing and everything makes sense luckily.. to the write person
August 19 2025
2 people in bengali have said to me dont give people shujuuk or dont give people the chance take from that what u will
im so thankful for BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS, im so thankful for the girls who have shown me good writing and the girls who have shown me loyalty and the girls who have shown me trust and being careful, who showed me a lipstick color and made me laugh, who sent me songs and made me doubt myself less, who showed me stillness and quiet strength, who showed me the place by the water they like, who showed me subtlety and beauty, who showed me protection and love, who showed me celebration and worship, who showed me calm and intelligence, who danced with me at the underground place with purple sparkly drinks, who straightened my hair and knows a secret, who drove me around and let me drive them around, who ate slimey pizza with me, who went to the mall with me, who let me give them gifts and cards, who let me tell them sad and happy stories, who let me make them laugh, who listened to my hypotheses, who hold me and i hold them sometimes silently im so grateful!!!!
im so grateful for uncertainty and delays and solitude and quiet,
im so grateful for physics and emotions
im so grateful for my brain stem and spine and the three layers that cover it
im so grateful for the Scale under the Throne, for being the luckiest person in the room
for the barrier betwen the seas
i was reading an article about someone talking about how its impossible to make good injera here because of the air here and how it changes the process of fermentation (https://thisismold.com/border-ecologies/injeras-microbial-autonomy)
yesterday my mom mentioned the fish here is smelly to her
August 19 2025 part 2
I HAVENT BOUGHT CLOTHES in so long and i bought a jersey today i so happy
i bought peppers, tomatoes, and a potato from the grocery store yayyy
im going to make chickpeas and potatoes and have it with bread yayyyyy
im so grateful i need to start working out again i heard flow w mira makes good workout videos but to be completely honest with everyone (i think 5 people have clicked on this link) i saw a spider the other day and am scared to be on the floor i need to sweep or something but what if it emerges audhubillah im not scared of anything i was watching afrosamurai and it was pretty good like the story was solid and the art was amazing but i couldnt watch more cuz its bloody. i watched the first episode of dear mama it was good he talks a lot about afeni. i want to watch the 1619 documentary and the hurrican katrina documentary next. also i found out theres really good bengali science fiction literature!! im so excited to learn the letters so i can read it inshaAllah. also how are people going outside without masks i dont understand i get a cold if i even walk down the street thats probably my immune system too but hey also its really hard to find masks i checked two drug stores and neither of them carried any sad as hell man
i forgot to mention how much i love dc like just walking down the street i get salaams and c so much beauty. i was at the store looking at perfumes and from behind the counter this kid was saying he bought his mom perfume for her bdayyyyyy me and the other girl there were laughing so adorable. then i was walking home the other day and someone was walking close as hell behind me and singing i thought he was trying to talk to me and then a little cat walks right past me to him and he stops everything and greets the cat i couldnt stop laughing i love dc man subhanAllah and another week i was walking around and was on a street i used to go by all the time growing up, when there was the big snow storm i think in 2006 my parents walked me and my sister there the snow was taller than us subhanAllah. anyways there was a gallery that had an exhibit going on from one of the local art HS and the artist had the COOLEST art up. this was the exhibit. on that same day i was walking around and walked into a home goods store and they gave me a pint of ice cream. dc is a magical magical place. also people here are the best dressed and theres no competition nyc wouldnt even be close im not sorry and i dont even like dc that much but i have to tell the truth i saw someone wearing bright red huge sun glasses and i saw these gem like triangle patterned crocs magical place Alhamdulilah
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August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and that is to straight women and then ill stop because i have to heal and take responsibility into my own hands and not blame anyone for anything because in my own repeated experimentation of life that is what gives u the best outcomes. but DAMN im sick of JEALOUS straight girls im not your competition IM A MAN HATER.
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
August 19 2025
2 people in bengali have said to me dont give people shujuuk or dont give people the chance take from that what u will
im so thankful for BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS, im so thankful for the girls who have shown me good writing and the girls who have shown me loyalty and the girls who have shown me trust and being careful, who showed me a lipstick color and made me laugh, who sent me songs and made me doubt myself less, who showed me stillness and quiet strength, who showed me the place by the water they like, who showed me subtlety and beauty, who showed me protection and love, who showed me celebration and worship, who showed me calm and intelligence, who danced with me at the underground place with purple sparkly drinks, who straightened my hair and knows a secret, who drove me around and let me drive them around, who ate slimey pizza with me, who went to the mall with me, who let me give them gifts and cards, who let me tell them sad and happy stories, who let me make them laugh, who listened to my hypotheses, who hold me and i hold them sometimes silently im so grateful!!!!
im so grateful for uncertainty and delays and solitude and quiet,
im so grateful for physics and emotions
im so grateful for my brain stem and spine and the three layers that cover it
im so grateful for the Scale under the Throne, for being the luckiest person in the room
for the barrier betwen the seas
i was reading an article about someone talking about how its impossible to make good injera here because of the air here and how it changes the process of fermentation (https://thisismold.com/border-ecologies/injeras-microbial-autonomy)
yesterday my mom mentioned the fish here is smelly to her
August 19 2025 part 2
I HAVENT BOUGHT CLOTHES in so long and i bought a jersey today i so happy
i bought peppers, tomatoes, and a potato from the grocery store yayyy
im going to make chickpeas and potatoes and have it with bread yayyyyy
im so grateful i need to start working out again i heard flow w mira makes good workout videos but to be completely honest with everyone (i think 5 people have clicked on this link) i saw a spider the other day and am scared to be on the floor i need to sweep or something but what if it emerges audhubillah im not scared of anything i was watching afrosamurai and it was pretty good like the story was solid and the art was amazing but i couldnt watch more cuz its bloody. i watched the first episode of dear mama it was good he talks a lot about afeni. i want to watch the 1619 documentary and the hurrican katrina documentary next. also i found out theres really good bengali science fiction literature!! im so excited to learn the letters so i can read it inshaAllah. also how are people going outside without masks i dont understand i get a cold if i even walk down the street thats probably my immune system too but hey also its really hard to find masks i checked two drug stores and neither of them carried any sad as hell man
i forgot to mention how much i love dc like just walking down the street i get salaams and c so much beauty. i was at the store looking at perfumes and from behind the counter this kid was saying he bought his mom perfume for her bdayyyyyy me and the other girl there were laughing so adorable. then i was walking home the other day and someone was walking close as hell behind me and singing i thought he was trying to talk to me and then a little cat walks right past me to him and he stops everything and greets the cat i couldnt stop laughing i love dc man subhanAllah and another week i was walking around and was on a street i used to go by all the time growing up, when there was the big snow storm i think in 2006 my parents walked me and my sister there the snow was taller than us subhanAllah. anyways there was a gallery that had an exhibit going on from one of the local art HS and the artist had the COOLEST art up. this was the exhibit. on that same day i was walking around and walked into a home goods store and they gave me a pint of ice cream. dc is a magical magical place. also people here are the best dressed and theres no competition nyc wouldnt even be close im not sorry and i dont even like dc that much but i have to tell the truth i saw someone wearing bright red huge sun glasses and i saw these gem like triangle patterned crocs magical place Alhamdulilah
August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and that is to straight women and then ill stop because i have to heal and take responsibility into my own hands and not blame anyone for anything because in my own repeated experimentation of life that is what gives u the best outcomes. but DAMN im sick of JEALOUS straight girls im not your competition IM A MAN HATER.
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and that is to straight women and then ill stop because i have to heal and take responsibility into my own hands and not blame anyone for anything because in my own repeated experimentation of life that is what gives u the best outcomes. but DAMN im sick of JEALOUS straight girls im not your competition IM A MAN HATER.
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
i did a flow w mira video and showered im healed i want to get back into lifting weights i remember learning when i was 16 my friend would teach me before school at the gym next to where i lived. i feel happy alhamdulilah
i need to find a box for the order i have to send out i dont want to leave my apt but it will be nice to get some air I SENT OUT MY ORDER HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA let me narrate my blessings! i went to one convenience store and they said they didnt sell any boxes i was discouraged may God forgive me i even looked up and said WHERE am i going to find a box today then i went to the grocery store and they found me a box that was the perfect size but there was no top. i was sweating a little at this point because what could possibly happen next i just got a box without a top. i was so wrong. i went to a coffee shop and they found me the PERFECT BOX they ran to the back and said i have exactly what you are looking for and brought out the perfect size box and then went and got tape and a BOXCUTTER and helped me make the box it was amazing and they were saying if i ever need another box to go there because they have so many extras wow i love dc !!!!!!!!! but listen to this when i got to the post office i found out they have unlimited boxes of all sizes for free and you can even get the boxes sent to you!!!! thank you Allah for everything. and my friend texted me while i was walking there i get so happy when my friends text me i start smiling so hard that people will ask me who im talking to Alhamdulilah i feel abundance today! like ive felt every day and night in the past
August 21 2025
im thinking of how bad of a leader ive always been its just not something im good at i should hide my sins but its probably bc i do have some pride may Allah erase it probably from when i had to keep going to different schools. i had the same friends and knew all the same people from when i was 4 until i was 10 i would play football and soccer with the same few kids every single day. i was toooo slow but i remember one time i ran the ball down the field with another kid hanging on to my shirt and that made them really quiet!!!i bet everyone remembers that time the same way just playing outside a lot.
ok im going to narrate my blessings. then my family moved to Annandale. i went to like 4 different schools in 2 years i cried so much and begged to stay in one place. and i was really desperate for stability and frienship. one girl and i became really close friends our teachers never saw us separated they would say we were joined at the hip this is the same girl who wrote the story with me where we said the ant hill became a mole hill became a mountain. but when i kept changing schools i couldnt find comfort and friendship again. and bc i knew so much love in friendships it was hard for me to accept that i just really wasnt clicking with the people around me. it taught me one bad habit which was to try to assimilate, or self abandon. and one really good habit, the division of the two seas, when i went to HS i met my 2 close friends i think in a couple weeks. it was like magnets coming together. and was with them like sisters the rest of HS Alhamdulilah can you see the contractions and the expanding? then in college i had a hard time self abandoning, i would feel sm uncertainty. again, i knew such beautiful friendships. i could tell things werent fitting in place, but was having a hard time self abandoning. then i went into a cave where i was cherished and held Alhamdulilah Alhamdulilah Alhamdulilah. after, i spent a lot of time alone and did self abandon again. i was created forgetful and weak. do you see the pattern of contraction and expanding? its nice the love always stays i ran into the first girl at a concert and felt my heart expand @ her beauty and kindness once again, the 2 friends are the 2 friends, the cave is still overflowing with protection and laughter, thank you Allah for everything forgive me for being ungrateful and forgetful and not recognizing the extent of my blessings and luck when they are with me. You have always provided for me day and night before and i ask you to keep providing for me day and night. creator of time creator of wine creator of ginger creator of fire Alhamdulilah
my point was though that im not a good leader i dont feel any sense of authority over anything and dont want to
i got my jersey im so happy alhamdulilah!! i saw this team play in 2022 a home game and my favorite player scored his 100th goal!!
my aunt told me that she had to stop watching soccer games years ago bc she would pass out from excitement
i had a really good day alhamdulilah thank you Allah you are with me seeing and hearing your fingers are on my heart keep my heart turned toward you and your guidance ya Wadud happy friday everyone
im blessed beyond words today ill try again another time Alhamdulilah thank you for reading this
August 24 2025
i love the Quran
I made khichuri
i listened to music
is life always shelter and opportunity? ive arrived
August 25 2025
i dont blame anyone for anything anymore im letting everything go
i feel free
what was i thinking??????? yes girl shaytan is strong but we are STRONGER
every problem that you have has been had before!!
theres people who are waiting to give you guidance, sometimes openly sometimes secretly
but all those issues that you have, even the ones you feel completely alone in, there are people who have been paving paths out of those issues for thousands of years . youre not alone im not alone, they think youre dignified and honorable and have something to say to you.
maybe privately maybe quietly maybe subtley maybe intuitively but the paths and community exist. logically they cant not exist- how have this many people survived?
its hard to talk about these things by design. even if you dont talk about it, the paths are there just from people walking over them for thousands of years. clearing the branches, pounding the dirt, most of the roads are 6 lane highways and have rest stops at this point
August 26 2025
i'm a piece from Your record, between the spitting clouds of the sea and the spilling clouds of the sky. all of which is under your control. among the turning of the heads the turning of the suns the turning of the atoms, all of which is under your control. under the green birds hanging from your throne. everything is under your control. im Ur chess piece
August 27 2025
i was at central kitchen and i saw the best dressed people i think that ive ever seen. people were coming in for a info session and every time the door opened it was a different extraordinary outfit. i saw gorgeous pants, shoes, jackets, then the most beautiful hairstyles and piercings too.
it was nice to chop veggies i hope i can go there more. Alhamdulilah for everything. last friday i started feeling sick cuz of something that happened outside and i didnt leave my apartment for days. today was the biggest relief. it was mostly women there today that might be why
i rode around on a bike too i havent done that in forever how is it that you dont forget some things even if u dont do it in years but forget other things. how does that work in your brain. cuz i know like certain brain connections alert other brain connections and it cascades like that but what decides how important some thing is ? whats worth forgetting and what needs to be remembered forever. cuz theres certain things i wish i remembered more and other things i remembered less. i think its something in your brain stem maybe??? or one of the layers over ur spine? idk i used to ask AI to research this stuff but i dont like useing it. but its really good and pointing you in the right direction for research. i heard its also good for extremly detailed work now. like looking at every .00000000000001 mm in a painting to see if its real or not. interesting. i guess i would only use it if i had something in mind already and had already read about it extensively. its what u bring to it also so my main thing is it wouldnt be WORTH it if i wasnt prepared to use it.
im so distracted today. did you know that i have a lot of sick people in my family. everyones ovaries been taken out or has had open heart of cant move a body part bc of nerve damage. how do you think that happens to a generation of people? i have my dignity today
no one talks about anything and laughs. nothing is funny. everyone is nervous and self abandoned to survive. how do you take away peoples honesty? you dont have any fear? that you kill someone into lying because you're not willing to believe them. at least leave them with their truth. but then you can't take from them right? you can't take their skill and their material if you dont take their honesty first. a liar saying they dont lie. maybe something is funny. the power you think you're throwing around is from Allah. He lets you do what you do for a period of time to show us the finest victory.
August 31 2025
Ya Allah i wont ask you about things i dont know.... i understand i've been ungrateful, you took me across the world and i just simply asked. you let me see adornments and attractions and i didn't attribute them to you. i focused on the wrong things. you showed me things that are supposed to keep me happy for a life time. i sinned greatly my lord. you put honest and loving people in my life that treat me like family when i didnt see that for myself. they dont owe me anything and they love me and care about me inside their hearts. im so lucky Alhamdulilah. when you gave me these things i focused on the next thing instead of increasing my praise to you. i focused on what you didnt give me and plotted to get that. i keep learning that my plots dont mean anything they arent based on anything that You know what's best and You'll show me gently if I don't attach myself to a certain outcome. Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. i have a bad habit of thinking i know anything and i dont. i wont ask you about things i dont know. but ive been in my body more. i only call to you now when i need something. i dont put anything between me and You. I put You between me and everything. i wont ask you about things i dont know. take me where i can help the most people, take me where the pure of heart is. i'm already a hafidha right? that's why i can memorize so quickly. Alhamdulilah. which of your blessings do i deny? i won't ask you about things i don't know anything about it. I'm sorry for when I was ungrateful, you've blessed me. I have enough. ya Allah take away my shame. im only ashamed because i dont sing your praises while you bless me endlessly. i feel confused why You choose me to bless like this. i won't ask you about what i don't know. ill just be quiet and thankful. im with you my lord hearing and seeing. is it true no one can take my blessings? is it true no one is me, maisha, today August 31, 2025. except me, maisha. How lucky i am. if i wasn't me what would i do, i would be so lost. i won't ask you about things i know nothing about. is it true every muslim prays at your adhaan? is it true muslims call to prayer 5 times a day every single day? is it true? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you've purified me? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you want to teach me? is it true you sharpened my seeing and hearing? Which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you show me your signs every day and in my thoughts? which of your blessings will i deny? Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. im so lucky to be me and for the people around me that i witness, i'm surrounded by beautiful and intelligent people... how am i so lucky?????????? i won't ask you about what i don't know. all glory belongs to You my Lord. i have a bad habit of planning and plotting... how can i plan and plot with You? by keeping belief right? by asking you instead of others right? everything was one small point and then its always expanding right? we are growing more and more distant from everything around us until the Day where you gather us, that day we will truly be alone. right? i worry im not grateful enough. how glorious You are. teach me to narrate your blessings my lord. I don't want to curate and cut things out anymore. but i do want to be a fighter for your religion. the division of the seas. theres something i cant see, but i wont ask you about what i dont know about. i only listen to you. i dont blame anyone any more. how can i blame any one for any thing while living this beautiful life? there are trees planted outside, there is grass to lay in, you can pray by the water and cook yourself a meal when you get home. there's valuable work like chopping up veggies in a soup kitchen and theres nice and kind people everywhere. which of your blessings do i deny????? i can play chess today, i can paint something, i can read and learn, i can give back, i can take a shower, i can wear clean clothes, i have somewhere to go home too. am i out of my mind? Alhamdulilah.
I made khichuri
i listened to music
is life always shelter and opportunity? ive arrived