diary
affirmations
5 17 2025
June 28, 2025
Movies
Touch was heartbreaking. Then I watched half of Three Thousand Years of Longing. Truly beautiful and nice sounds.
Food
: had chickpeas, naan, samosa, dolma, lassi. So, so delicious.
June 29, 2025
Morning
was fed from hunger and protected from harm on this day
August 15, 2025
i am so sorry for when ive been ungrateful infront of your creation im blessed beyond knowledge and understanding im sorry for not focusing on my blessings ya Wadud please have Mercy on me your Perfect mercy i want to narrate your blessings forgive me for when ive showed off forgive me if im doing it now erase my sins im not scared of anyone but You ya Qahhar Creator of the Scale and the Throne Surround me with people who you love and separate me from those you dislike Surround me with people the prophets AS would love and separate me from the people they would dislike surround me with what pleases You and Your messengers AS Make me a fighter for Your deen like You made those before me
August 16 2025
Alhamdulilah Free them all Free Mumia Free Imam Jamil
August 18 2025
so blessed im so good at cooking alhamdulilah i love making my own food and eating it i love cooking for other people but more than anything i love cooking for myself
so blessed im so good at running i love feeling all the air leave my lungs and then re fill abunduntly i love going on long runs well not really that long i miss that one place i was before where i could run to the park and back but you can do that anywhere for real
so blessed im good at reading i love to read i love to see how other people put together words wow i love to see the relationships between the words and what that might mean for the relationship of the concepts to them. i love incredibly detailed writing, i love when people write lists, i love when people write about themselves in the first person. i love when people write about thrones and kingdoms and nobility. i love when people write about every day work and small tasks and their sorrows. i dont always like when people write about love because i dont understand some parts of it. i love when people write about their blessings. i love hearing people narrate their blessings. i love when people write in small ideas and dont feel like expanding. i love when people write and ramble and dis avow curation. i love when people write so much but only if they tell the truth. i hate lies. i love letters that form words that form sentences. i remember writing something with my childhood best friend we were talking about someone having a problem and said something along the lines of the the ant hill turned into a molehill turned into a mountain.
so blessed im good at painting. somewhat. so blessed i enjoy painting and would do it everday. so blessed i see so many colors i want to see the different shades in things. khidr means green means balance means middle means split the hair. do you hear sorrow?
Alhamdulilah nothing i say is embarassing and everything makes sense luckily.. to the write person
August 19 2025
2 people in bengali have said to me dont give people shujuuk or dont give people the chance take from that what u will
im so thankful for BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS, im so thankful for the girls who have shown me good writing and the girls who have shown me loyalty and the girls who have shown me trust and being careful, who showed me a lipstick color and made me laugh, who sent me songs and made me doubt myself less, who showed me stillness and quiet strength, who showed me the place by the water they like, who showed me subtlety and beauty, who showed me protection and love, who showed me celebration and worship, who showed me calm and intelligence, who danced with me at the underground place with purple sparkly drinks, who straightened my hair and knows a secret, who drove me around and let me drive them around, who ate slimey pizza with me, who went to the mall with me, who let me give them gifts and cards, who let me tell them sad and happy stories, who let me make them laugh, who listened to my hypotheses, who hold me and i hold them sometimes silently im so grateful!!!!
im so grateful for uncertainty and delays and solitude and quiet,
im so grateful for physics and emotions
im so grateful for my brain stem and spine and the three layers that cover it
im so grateful for the Scale under the Throne, for being the luckiest person in the room
for the barrier betwen the seas
i was reading an article about someone talking about how its impossible to make good injera here because of the air here and how it changes the process of fermentation (https://thisismold.com/border-ecologies/injeras-microbial-autonomy)
yesterday my mom mentioned the fish here is smelly to her
August 19 2025 part 2
I HAVENT BOUGHT CLOTHES in so long and i bought a jersey today i so happy
i bought peppers, tomatoes, and a potato from the grocery store yayyy
im going to make chickpeas and potatoes and have it with bread yayyyyy
im so grateful i need to start working out again i heard flow w mira makes good workout videos but to be completely honest with everyone (i think 5 people have clicked on this link) i saw a spider the other day and am scared to be on the floor i need to sweep or something but what if it emerges audhubillah im not scared of anything i was watching afrosamurai and it was pretty good like the story was solid and the art was amazing but i couldnt watch more cuz its bloody. i watched the first episode of dear mama it was good he talks a lot about afeni. i want to watch the 1619 documentary and the hurrican katrina documentary next. also i found out theres really good bengali science fiction literature!! im so excited to learn the letters so i can read it inshaAllah. also how are people going outside without masks i dont understand i get a cold if i even walk down the street thats probably my immune system too but hey also its really hard to find masks i checked two drug stores and neither of them carried any sad as hell man
i forgot to mention how much i love dc like just walking down the street i get salaams and c so much beauty. i was at the store looking at perfumes and from behind the counter this kid was saying he bought his mom perfume for her bdayyyyyy me and the other girl there were laughing so adorable. then i was walking home the other day and someone was walking close as hell behind me and singing i thought he was trying to talk to me and then a little cat walks right past me to him and he stops everything and greets the cat i couldnt stop laughing i love dc man subhanAllah and another week i was walking around and was on a street i used to go by all the time growing up, when there was the big snow storm i think in 2006 my parents walked me and my sister there the snow was taller than us subhanAllah. anyways there was a gallery that had an exhibit going on from one of the local art HS and the artist had the COOLEST art up. this was the exhibit. on that same day i was walking around and walked into a home goods store and they gave me a pint of ice cream. dc is a magical magical place. also people here are the best dressed and theres no competition nyc wouldnt even be close im not sorry and i dont even like dc that much but i have to tell the truth i saw someone wearing bright red huge sun glasses and i saw these gem like triangle patterned crocs magical place Alhamdulilah
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August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and *redacted as of oct 8, i've healed*
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
August 19 2025
2 people in bengali have said to me dont give people shujuuk or dont give people the chance take from that what u will
im so thankful for BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS, im so thankful for the girls who have shown me good writing and the girls who have shown me loyalty and the girls who have shown me trust and being careful, who showed me a lipstick color and made me laugh, who sent me songs and made me doubt myself less, who showed me stillness and quiet strength, who showed me the place by the water they like, who showed me subtlety and beauty, who showed me protection and love, who showed me celebration and worship, who showed me calm and intelligence, who danced with me at the underground place with purple sparkly drinks, who straightened my hair and knows a secret, who drove me around and let me drive them around, who ate slimey pizza with me, who went to the mall with me, who let me give them gifts and cards, who let me tell them sad and happy stories, who let me make them laugh, who listened to my hypotheses, who hold me and i hold them sometimes silently im so grateful!!!!
im so grateful for uncertainty and delays and solitude and quiet,
im so grateful for physics and emotions
im so grateful for my brain stem and spine and the three layers that cover it
im so grateful for the Scale under the Throne, for being the luckiest person in the room
for the barrier betwen the seas
i was reading an article about someone talking about how its impossible to make good injera here because of the air here and how it changes the process of fermentation (https://thisismold.com/border-ecologies/injeras-microbial-autonomy)
yesterday my mom mentioned the fish here is smelly to her
August 19 2025 part 2
I HAVENT BOUGHT CLOTHES in so long and i bought a jersey today i so happy
i bought peppers, tomatoes, and a potato from the grocery store yayyy
im going to make chickpeas and potatoes and have it with bread yayyyyy
im so grateful i need to start working out again i heard flow w mira makes good workout videos but to be completely honest with everyone (i think 5 people have clicked on this link) i saw a spider the other day and am scared to be on the floor i need to sweep or something but what if it emerges audhubillah im not scared of anything i was watching afrosamurai and it was pretty good like the story was solid and the art was amazing but i couldnt watch more cuz its bloody. i watched the first episode of dear mama it was good he talks a lot about afeni. i want to watch the 1619 documentary and the hurrican katrina documentary next. also i found out theres really good bengali science fiction literature!! im so excited to learn the letters so i can read it inshaAllah. also how are people going outside without masks i dont understand i get a cold if i even walk down the street thats probably my immune system too but hey also its really hard to find masks i checked two drug stores and neither of them carried any sad as hell man
i forgot to mention how much i love dc like just walking down the street i get salaams and c so much beauty. i was at the store looking at perfumes and from behind the counter this kid was saying he bought his mom perfume for her bdayyyyyy me and the other girl there were laughing so adorable. then i was walking home the other day and someone was walking close as hell behind me and singing i thought he was trying to talk to me and then a little cat walks right past me to him and he stops everything and greets the cat i couldnt stop laughing i love dc man subhanAllah and another week i was walking around and was on a street i used to go by all the time growing up, when there was the big snow storm i think in 2006 my parents walked me and my sister there the snow was taller than us subhanAllah. anyways there was a gallery that had an exhibit going on from one of the local art HS and the artist had the COOLEST art up. this was the exhibit. on that same day i was walking around and walked into a home goods store and they gave me a pint of ice cream. dc is a magical magical place. also people here are the best dressed and theres no competition nyc wouldnt even be close im not sorry and i dont even like dc that much but i have to tell the truth i saw someone wearing bright red huge sun glasses and i saw these gem like triangle patterned crocs magical place Alhamdulilah
August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and *redacted as of oct 8, i've healed*
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
August 20 2025
another day another opportunity to ramble on neocities what a blessing truly i saw a tweet that said. i wake up and start taking damage that is how i feel and im not going to point too many fingers but i have one finger to point today and *redacted as of oct 8, i've healed*
i woke up me what do i have to complain about to be honest im going to eat a good meal today like i have every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be protected from harm like i have been every day and night previously Alhamdulilah im going to be in good company today. but what will i do. let me think for the 40 views on this page since last night. my biggest goals are to learn calligraphy, to sew, and to swim. my smaller goals are to do my favorite thing, be mischevious (not connected to my favorite thing, this is truly hard work), read bengali, and do 1 pull up. i have to ship out an order at some point today alhamdulilah. im just gonna read and relax and mind my own business which is luckily my favorite business ALHAMDULILAH!!! can u say the same? whatever ill report back later
could the story of prophet Lut AS be about how men obsess over impressing other men. how they lust after one anothers approval, and will even abandon their own families to get it. and his wife sympathized with those men. Allahu alam, its a perspective i was created weak and with little knowledge. is there truth in what im saying though? nothing else to report, im having a small flare up but pretty happy alhamdulilah really enjoying using this want to write more and learn about html
i did a flow w mira video and showered im healed i want to get back into lifting weights i remember learning when i was 16 my friend would teach me before school at the gym next to where i lived. i feel happy alhamdulilah
i need to find a box for the order i have to send out i dont want to leave my apt but it will be nice to get some air I SENT OUT MY ORDER HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA let me narrate my blessings! i went to one convenience store and they said they didnt sell any boxes i was discouraged may God forgive me i even looked up and said WHERE am i going to find a box today then i went to the grocery store and they found me a box that was the perfect size but there was no top. i was sweating a little at this point because what could possibly happen next i just got a box without a top. i was so wrong. i went to a coffee shop and they found me the PERFECT BOX they ran to the back and said i have exactly what you are looking for and brought out the perfect size box and then went and got tape and a BOXCUTTER and helped me make the box it was amazing and they were saying if i ever need another box to go there because they have so many extras wow i love dc !!!!!!!!! but listen to this when i got to the post office i found out they have unlimited boxes of all sizes for free and you can even get the boxes sent to you!!!! thank you Allah for everything. and my friend texted me while i was walking there i get so happy when my friends text me i start smiling so hard that people will ask me who im talking to Alhamdulilah i feel abundance today! like ive felt every day and night in the past
August 21 2025
im thinking of how bad of a leader ive always been its just not something im good at i should hide my sins but its probably bc i do have some pride may Allah erase it probably from when i had to keep going to different schools. i had the same friends and knew all the same people from when i was 4 until i was 10 i would play football and soccer with the same few kids every single day. i was toooo slow but i remember one time i ran the ball down the field with another kid hanging on to my shirt and that made them really quiet!!!i bet everyone remembers that time the same way just playing outside a lot.
ok im going to narrate my blessings. then my family moved to Annandale. i went to like 4 different schools in 2 years i cried so much and begged to stay in one place. and i was really desperate for stability and frienship. one girl and i became really close friends our teachers never saw us separated they would say we were joined at the hip this is the same girl who wrote the story with me where we said the ant hill became a mole hill became a mountain. but when i kept changing schools i couldnt find comfort and friendship again. and bc i knew so much love in friendships it was hard for me to accept that i just really wasnt clicking with the people around me. it taught me one bad habit which was to try to assimilate, or self abandon. and one really good habit, the division of the two seas, when i went to HS i met my 2 close friends i think in a couple weeks. it was like magnets coming together. and was with them like sisters the rest of HS Alhamdulilah can you see the contractions and the expanding? then in college i had a hard time self abandoning, i would feel sm uncertainty. again, i knew such beautiful friendships. i could tell things werent fitting in place, but was having a hard time self abandoning. then i was cherished and held Alhamdulilah Alhamdulilah Alhamdulilah. after, i spent a lot of time alone and did self abandon again. i was created forgetful and weak. do you see the pattern of contraction and expanding? its nice the love always stays i ran into the first girl at a concert and felt my heart expand @ her beauty and kindness once again, the 2 friends are the 2 friends, still a whole lot of holding and cherishing going on , thank you Allah for everything forgive me for being ungrateful and forgetful and not recognizing the extent of my blessings and luck when they are with me. You have always provided for me day and night before and i ask you to keep providing for me day and night. creator of time creator of wine creator of ginger creator of fire Alhamdulilah
my point was though that im not a good leader i dont feel any sense of authority over anything and dont want to
i got my jersey im so happy alhamdulilah!! i saw this team play in 2022 a home game and my favorite player scored his 100th goal!!
my aunt told me that she had to stop watching soccer games years ago bc she would pass out from excitement
i had a really good day alhamdulilah thank you Allah you are with me seeing and hearing your fingers are on my heart keep my heart turned toward you and your guidance ya Wadud happy friday everyone
im blessed beyond words today ill try again another time Alhamdulilah thank you for reading this
August 24 2025
i love the Quran
I made khichuri
i listened to music
is life always shelter and opportunity? ive arrived
August 25 2025
i dont blame anyone for anything anymore im letting everything go
i feel free
what was i thinking??????? yes girl shaytan is strong but we are STRONGER
every problem that you have has been had before!!
theres people who are waiting to give you guidance, sometimes openly sometimes secretly
but all those issues that you have, even the ones you feel completely alone in, there are people who have been paving paths out of those issues for thousands of years . youre not alone im not alone, they think youre dignified and honorable and have something to say to you.
maybe privately maybe quietly maybe subtley maybe intuitively but the paths and community exist. logically they cant not exist- how have this many people survived?
its hard to talk about these things by design. even if you dont talk about it, the paths are there just from people walking over them for thousands of years. clearing the branches, pounding the dirt, most of the roads are 6 lane highways and have rest stops at this point
August 26 2025
i'm a piece from Your record, between the spitting clouds of the sea and the spilling clouds of the sky. all of which is under your control. among the turning of the heads the turning of the suns the turning of the atoms, all of which is under your control. under the green birds hanging from your throne. everything is under your control. im Ur chess piece
August 27 2025
i was at central kitchen and i saw the best dressed people i think that ive ever seen. people were coming in for a info session and every time the door opened it was a different extraordinary outfit. i saw gorgeous pants, shoes, jackets, then the most beautiful hairstyles and piercings too.
it was nice to chop veggies i hope i can go there more. Alhamdulilah for everything. last friday i started feeling sick cuz of something that happened outside and i didnt leave my apartment for days. today was the biggest relief. it was mostly women there today that might be why
i rode around on a bike too i havent done that in forever how is it that you dont forget some things even if u dont do it in years but forget other things. how does that work in your brain. cuz i know like certain brain connections alert other brain connections and it cascades like that but what decides how important some thing is ? whats worth forgetting and what needs to be remembered forever. cuz theres certain things i wish i remembered more and other things i remembered less. i think its something in your brain stem maybe??? or one of the layers over ur spine? idk i used to ask AI to research this stuff but i dont like useing it. but its really good and pointing you in the right direction for research. i heard its also good for extremly detailed work now. like looking at every .00000000000001 mm in a painting to see if its real or not. interesting. i guess i would only use it if i had something in mind already and had already read about it extensively. its what u bring to it also so my main thing is it wouldnt be WORTH it if i wasnt prepared to use it.
im so distracted today. did you know that i have a lot of sick people in my family. everyones ovaries been taken out or has had open heart of cant move a body part bc of nerve damage. how do you think that happens to a generation of people? i have my dignity today
no one talks about anything and laughs. nothing is funny. everyone is nervous and self abandoned to survive. how do you take away peoples honesty? you dont have any fear? that you kill someone because you're not willing to believe them. at least leave them with their truth. but then you can't take from them right? you can't take their skill and their material if you dont take their honesty first. a liar saying they dont lie. maybe something is funny. the power you think you're throwing around is from Allah. He lets you do what you do for a period of time to show us the finest victory.
August 31 2025
Ya Allah i wont ask you about things i dont know.... i understand i've been ungrateful, you took me across the world and i just simply asked. you let me see adornments and attractions and i didn't attribute them to you. i focused on the wrong things. you showed me things that are supposed to keep me happy for a life time. i sinned greatly my lord. you put honest and loving people in my life that treat me like family when i didnt see that for myself. im so lucky Alhamdulilah. when you gave me these things i focused on the next thing instead of increasing my praise to you. i focused on what you didnt give me and plotted to get that. i keep learning that my plots dont mean anything they arent based on anything that You know what's best and You'll show me gently if I don't attach myself to a certain outcome. Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. i have a bad habit of thinking i know anything and i dont. i wont ask you about things i dont know. but ive been in my body more. i only call to you now when i need something. i dont put anything between me and You. I put You between me and everything. i wont ask you about things i dont know. take me where i can help the most people, take me where the pure of heart is. Alhamdulilah. which of your blessings do i deny? i won't ask you about things i don't know anything about it. I'm sorry for when I was ungrateful, you've blessed me. I have enough. ya Allah take away my shame. im only ashamed because i dont sing your praises while you bless me endlessly. i feel confused why You choose me to bless like this. i won't ask you about what i don't know. ill just be quiet and thankful. im with you my lord hearing and seeing. is it true no one can take my blessings? is it true no one is me, maisha, today August 31, 2025. except me, maisha. How lucky i am. if i wasn't me what would i do, i would be so lost. i won't ask you about things i know nothing about. is it true every muslim prays at your adhaan? is it true muslims call to prayer 5 times a day every single day? is it true? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you've purified me? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you want to teach me? is it true you sharpened my seeing and hearing? Which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you show me your signs every day and in my thoughts? which of your blessings will i deny? Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. im so lucky to be me and for the people around me that i witness, i'm surrounded by beautiful and intelligent people... how am i so lucky?????????? i won't ask you about what i don't know. all glory belongs to You my Lord. i have a bad habit of planning and plotting... how can i plan and plot with You? by keeping belief right? by asking you instead of others right? everything was one small point and then its always expanding right? we are growing more and more distant from everything around us until the Day where you gather us, that day we will truly be alone. right? i worry im not grateful enough. how glorious You are. teach me to narrate your blessings my lord. I don't want to curate and cut things out anymore. but i do want to be a fighter for your religion. the division of the seas. theres something i cant see, but i wont ask you about what i dont know about. i only listen to you. i dont blame anyone any more. how can i blame any one for any thing while living this beautiful life? there are trees planted outside, there is grass to lay in, you can pray by the water and cook yourself a meal when you get home. there's valuable work like chopping up veggies in a soup kitchen and theres nice and kind people everywhere. which of your blessings do i deny????? i can play chess today, i can paint something, i can read and learn, i can give back, i can take a shower, i can wear clean clothes, i have somewhere to go home too. am i out of my mind? Alhamdulilah.
september 5 2025
i keep messing up my Lord, You gifted me a beautiful and pure intention. Do I have no fear for the day that no one will be concerned with me and only concerned with themselves, the day i will only be concerned with myself and crossing the thin sharp line over hellfire? do I look at other peoples gardens and forget my own? do i forget to praise and glorify you? why? You created me forgetful and weak and with little knowledge but I know to keep coming back to You. that's all i know, i don't know anything else. and i won't ask you questions about what i don't know. i don't know where trust comes from, i dont know why theres a division in the seas. i know im in Your hands. i know my provision and decree is in Your hands and what a wonderful decree its been Alhamdulilah. Ya Allah who all praise belongs to, won't You keep protecting me, sheltering me, and feeding me like YOU always have? won't You strengthen my discernment? won't you cool my temper? won't you sharpen my tongue like Aisha's RA? won't you put comfort in my eyes? You let me lay in grass and pray to you next to a river. You let me listen to beautiful recitation and gave me a talented teacher. You let me talk to my friends and reflect the purity in their hearts. why should i feel anguish? i am of Your believers, i testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam. I testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger. I am pleased with my station as long as you are pleased with me. I don't worry about waswas or fame or obsession as long as you are pleased with me. My decree is in Your Hands. my provision is in Your Hands. You say be and it is. who has power like You? who is concerned about me like You? who has reach over time and space like You? whose throne extends over this world and the heavens? who can intercede without Your permission? Creator of Adam AS Creator of dirt, Creator of Idris AS, creator of cover, Creator of Nuh AS, creator of stability, Creator of Abraham AS, Creator of whispers, Creator of Ayoub AS, creator of pain, Creator of Musa AS, creator of fear, Creator of Yousef AS, creator of beauty, Creator of Daud AS, creator of iron, Creator of Sulayman AS, Creator of jinn and the divers among them, Creator of my messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam, creator of mankind. Ya Allah I ask for your guidance, if you do not guide me I will be lost forever, ya Allah give me what You promised me ya mumeetu Alhamdulilah
september 6 2025
Ya halim im not asking for what i usually ask for, im asking for something that you usually have always given me even when i didnt ask for it or appreciate it. oh Allah surely mankind is ungrateful. Ya Allah today im asking for success
september 22 2025
ya Allah its september 22 2025 where did time go. i havent narrated your blessings on here for a while. thank you for my friendships. thank you for my individuality thank you for my personality thank you for my happiness thank you for my kopal thank you for my fortune thank you for my faith thank you for my strength thank you for my voice thank you for my charity thank you for my friends again thank you for dried onions thank you for forgetfulness thank you for the division of the two seas. thank you for me. thank you for options. thank you for choice. thank you for the book. thank you for nature. thank you for the call to prayer thank you for intention. thank you for breathing. thank you for movement. thank you for guidance. thank you for healing. thank you for cures. thank you for purification. thank you for the way you created the universe in perfect fashion. thank you for water. thank you for intuition.
september 24 2025
i cant believe its september 24th im so thankful. i get to see friends this week. i get to cook for people. this life is one of one. the light is coming in.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire
october 8 2025
ya Allah i have to narrate my blessings about 2 conversations i had, one with my friend aminata and the other with my past supervisor professor wesley-nero,
then i have to tell You about what i found in myself today
i told aminata about my loss of self-esteem, she told me the cost is too high to not believe
i asked professor welsey-nero what to do when the walls are closing in, she said focus on the work in your hands, to ground in community and prayer, to remember the people who fought in the past
i was looking for true justice and restoration of identity, i found it in dignity and authenticity
october 14 2025
ya Allah
let me narrate your blessings today,
i had paratha with tomato and an egg just salt and pepper,
i got to teach chess today????????? to a wonderful group of kids, i got to learn how to be a better teacher, how to work with multiple kids at once, im finding my why again,
im doing a better job at feeling my feelings and regulating
i got to listen to the subac again tonight, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah,
i have a beautiful home, i have beautiful beautiful clothes,
i spent 2 hours on the bus and kept saying i need to be home right now but i was secretly enjoying the long bus rude i forgot how beautiful dc gets when the sunsways away and the cold creeps in. its going to be my first winter in dc in three years, i was in italy, then nyc, then bangladesh.
im so lucky i got to travel so much, i know i was angry and i get scared because i dont talk to my parents and i dont know what that means and i didnt feel like i had one stable traditional family home to be able to live in and go back to and i dont know what that means. You know? because im not entitled to anything, it always hurts to talk about but i really should have more respect for myself, i wish people could see how much it hurts, i wish they would care. i wish i didnt lose my words based on if people understand or not. it doesnt really matter if they do but sometimes i wish so much that they would that i cant say anything any more from fear that my wish wont come true. its not personal but i just really wish someone could hear me. im always the saying the same thing, look how much i've been hurt, when i mean to say look how much i've been guided, what about the lady who held my forehead and wiped my eyes in the dentists office, im 24 years old and i used to say i raised myself, thinking i was being dramatic, but not im 24 years old and i've been raising myself for at least 6 yeaers. almost 7. thats 1/4th of my life, 25%. in two years that will be 30%, in ten years, it will be over 50%. what did i learn in this time? what did i lose in this time? i learned leaving, i learned disdain. i learned insecurity, which is the weirdest thing. i somehow never felt insecurity until last year, and it was over not having a stable home which is so so strange because i havent in a while but i only started feeling like that based on what other older people said. which i never cared about until i was insecure. which comes first the chicken or the egg? probably both. i feel like i said this before. sometimes when im writing i just hear the same phrases again. they were both made in an instant right? Be and it is. insecurity and doubt. i was watching a youtube video from ayan her tedtalk and was talking about how something happened and it made her lose her why. i understood her because i used to always have a strong sense of why, despite everything. it's not like my hardships and worse now, in fact, Allah knows best, but i would say they are a million times easier. so why did i find myself losing hope now when i didnt then. maybe because i couldnt lose hope then. why do i think i have an option to lose hope now? theres too much work to be done right? it costs too much right? idk who reads this and if ill ever make it more public. but if i tell you how i lost hope does that make me too vulnerable? does that make me not strong? i lost hope when my parents hadn't seen me in years and in that time i got my degree while battling 2 chronic illnesses on my own and the only thing they said to me was that i should get ready to get married, when i got a job and moved to my own place, they said the same thing again. those things are hard to do you know? they dont just appear out of thin air. but i guess that's Allah's grace that i make it look like it does. when did i lose hope??? when i had to stay in friends houses and i should be grateful but i couldnt shake how much i hated that i was in this situation. when did i lose hope? why did it feel like everywhere i turned i hit a wall? i never focused on the walls before why did i start focusing on the walls? i didnt see myself reflected back in anyone, except maybe gardens and bodies of water. when did i lost hope? i could tell you the moment i found it again. it was really painful. someone made me feel so bad that the sea split in half, two bodies of water that dont mix. this is starting to get fragmented, as my thoughts do when i get emotional flash backs. i just remembered suddenly that i was my own person, and i got mad that anyone would ever try to assert otherwise, i got mad that people dont respect survivors and victims, i got mad that people dont take care of our kids. i got mad that people dont take care of our poor. im still mad about it so mad that it overrode 24 years of people pleasing and fawning. ha. didnt i tell u guys. im always trying to talk about the pain but what i really mean is that i've been guided. let me keep narrating my blessings. ive been given some self sufficiency and i ask for more so ill keep narrating my blessings. i used to not understand rhytym but now i do. i like to play my keyboard, why does it have so many buttons??? i found some nice synths on there and bird and sea noises. i listened to music and worked out. i dont really listen to music anymore but its so grounding to me. i did my makeup. i havent done it in so long my makeup is so old at this point. i watched a movie i liked. was watching videos with paloma elsesser her arch digest is really good. i had pancakes and pasta every day the past two weeks. i love the people in DC so much. talking to fighters of my deen. idk i love this dunya and i love this life i just understood something.
october 25 2025
there was a girl who i really try not to think about who used to tell me i need to be more street smart i didnt know what that meant when she told me but now i know it means to be quiet and move slowly. i think about her like i think about a lot of people, everyone is so moved on with their life, but i used to feel so stuck. like i would still be looking at these people who have nothing to do with my life anymore and thinking about them. why does this happen with only some people. is it because we see something in them that is similar to us? and bc its somewhat similar we feel like we should have an opinion on it. im not going to have an opinion on my life anymore.
i still love dc. i was neglecting georgetown for a long time because well. its georgetown. but like every other place ive lived, i saw Allah there. and it was made a blessed accomodation for me. so today i started loving georgetown again. i loved walking down m street. i loved walking to the water front. i loved going into the same stores i used to always go into. i loved getting the same sandwich i always used to get. i loved seeing people with their friends and families enjoying their time there. it is a little dreamy idk how they did that because its only 20 years old. i wonder what people who went to school there did before they had the stores up m street. i love georgetown it feels like a fairy tale to me. selfishly, i love how much other people like it. how they will get dressed up to go there. i love the education i got and that i had the blessing of learning at that level. im so thankful for every class every conversation with a professor or classmate, every opportunity, every moment at msb or lau. i never thought in my life i would say that. but i spent 2 and a half years hating georgetown and today i dont. i love every piece of art i looked at and studied. i love every second i was abroad and got to see different cities in europe. every meal i ate and every time i walked up and down that nasty hill in fiesole. i love it and miss it so much. while we are here, i miss astoria so much. i turned a corner and it looked like astoria and i started blankly and blinked and stopped in my tracks. i miss how the houses look i miss walking through ditmars every time of the day. i miss the aunts at the masjid. i miss going to yoga classes. i miss playing basketball. i miss the bagel i would get with butter turkey bacon and jaleponos. i love myself so much i wish there was 50 of me. i love this life so much i havent even started narrating my blessings right now. im starting to feel like me again, i want to forget everyone and focus on what i like again, its easy to talk to people again, its easier to imagine success again. IM FED FROM HUNGER IM PROTECTED FROM HARM. why does dc get dreamier every day, why do i forget everything that hurt me, why is it so easy to ignore the trauma suddenly. ok im healed. where is my community im ready for u! just kidding i know where my community is. its 1:22 am, and its the weekend, and i have a fridge full of groceries, and a job that i love. i teach children chess, this is literally my dream job. i feel stillness when i see magenta and green and suddenly everything is magenta and green. i love my home. i love my thoughts. i love my messenger SAWS.
I made khichuri
i listened to music
is life always shelter and opportunity? ive arrived
August 25 2025
i dont blame anyone for anything anymore im letting everything go
i feel free
what was i thinking??????? yes girl shaytan is strong but we are STRONGER
every problem that you have has been had before!!
theres people who are waiting to give you guidance, sometimes openly sometimes secretly
but all those issues that you have, even the ones you feel completely alone in, there are people who have been paving paths out of those issues for thousands of years . youre not alone im not alone, they think youre dignified and honorable and have something to say to you.
maybe privately maybe quietly maybe subtley maybe intuitively but the paths and community exist. logically they cant not exist- how have this many people survived?
its hard to talk about these things by design. even if you dont talk about it, the paths are there just from people walking over them for thousands of years. clearing the branches, pounding the dirt, most of the roads are 6 lane highways and have rest stops at this point
August 26 2025
i'm a piece from Your record, between the spitting clouds of the sea and the spilling clouds of the sky. all of which is under your control. among the turning of the heads the turning of the suns the turning of the atoms, all of which is under your control. under the green birds hanging from your throne. everything is under your control. im Ur chess piece
August 27 2025
i was at central kitchen and i saw the best dressed people i think that ive ever seen. people were coming in for a info session and every time the door opened it was a different extraordinary outfit. i saw gorgeous pants, shoes, jackets, then the most beautiful hairstyles and piercings too.
it was nice to chop veggies i hope i can go there more. Alhamdulilah for everything. last friday i started feeling sick cuz of something that happened outside and i didnt leave my apartment for days. today was the biggest relief. it was mostly women there today that might be why
i rode around on a bike too i havent done that in forever how is it that you dont forget some things even if u dont do it in years but forget other things. how does that work in your brain. cuz i know like certain brain connections alert other brain connections and it cascades like that but what decides how important some thing is ? whats worth forgetting and what needs to be remembered forever. cuz theres certain things i wish i remembered more and other things i remembered less. i think its something in your brain stem maybe??? or one of the layers over ur spine? idk i used to ask AI to research this stuff but i dont like useing it. but its really good and pointing you in the right direction for research. i heard its also good for extremly detailed work now. like looking at every .00000000000001 mm in a painting to see if its real or not. interesting. i guess i would only use it if i had something in mind already and had already read about it extensively. its what u bring to it also so my main thing is it wouldnt be WORTH it if i wasnt prepared to use it.
im so distracted today. did you know that i have a lot of sick people in my family. everyones ovaries been taken out or has had open heart of cant move a body part bc of nerve damage. how do you think that happens to a generation of people? i have my dignity today
no one talks about anything and laughs. nothing is funny. everyone is nervous and self abandoned to survive. how do you take away peoples honesty? you dont have any fear? that you kill someone because you're not willing to believe them. at least leave them with their truth. but then you can't take from them right? you can't take their skill and their material if you dont take their honesty first. a liar saying they dont lie. maybe something is funny. the power you think you're throwing around is from Allah. He lets you do what you do for a period of time to show us the finest victory.
August 31 2025
Ya Allah i wont ask you about things i dont know.... i understand i've been ungrateful, you took me across the world and i just simply asked. you let me see adornments and attractions and i didn't attribute them to you. i focused on the wrong things. you showed me things that are supposed to keep me happy for a life time. i sinned greatly my lord. you put honest and loving people in my life that treat me like family when i didnt see that for myself. im so lucky Alhamdulilah. when you gave me these things i focused on the next thing instead of increasing my praise to you. i focused on what you didnt give me and plotted to get that. i keep learning that my plots dont mean anything they arent based on anything that You know what's best and You'll show me gently if I don't attach myself to a certain outcome. Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. i have a bad habit of thinking i know anything and i dont. i wont ask you about things i dont know. but ive been in my body more. i only call to you now when i need something. i dont put anything between me and You. I put You between me and everything. i wont ask you about things i dont know. take me where i can help the most people, take me where the pure of heart is. Alhamdulilah. which of your blessings do i deny? i won't ask you about things i don't know anything about it. I'm sorry for when I was ungrateful, you've blessed me. I have enough. ya Allah take away my shame. im only ashamed because i dont sing your praises while you bless me endlessly. i feel confused why You choose me to bless like this. i won't ask you about what i don't know. ill just be quiet and thankful. im with you my lord hearing and seeing. is it true no one can take my blessings? is it true no one is me, maisha, today August 31, 2025. except me, maisha. How lucky i am. if i wasn't me what would i do, i would be so lost. i won't ask you about things i know nothing about. is it true every muslim prays at your adhaan? is it true muslims call to prayer 5 times a day every single day? is it true? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you've purified me? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you want to teach me? is it true you sharpened my seeing and hearing? Which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you show me your signs every day and in my thoughts? which of your blessings will i deny? Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. im so lucky to be me and for the people around me that i witness, i'm surrounded by beautiful and intelligent people... how am i so lucky?????????? i won't ask you about what i don't know. all glory belongs to You my Lord. i have a bad habit of planning and plotting... how can i plan and plot with You? by keeping belief right? by asking you instead of others right? everything was one small point and then its always expanding right? we are growing more and more distant from everything around us until the Day where you gather us, that day we will truly be alone. right? i worry im not grateful enough. how glorious You are. teach me to narrate your blessings my lord. I don't want to curate and cut things out anymore. but i do want to be a fighter for your religion. the division of the seas. theres something i cant see, but i wont ask you about what i dont know about. i only listen to you. i dont blame anyone any more. how can i blame any one for any thing while living this beautiful life? there are trees planted outside, there is grass to lay in, you can pray by the water and cook yourself a meal when you get home. there's valuable work like chopping up veggies in a soup kitchen and theres nice and kind people everywhere. which of your blessings do i deny????? i can play chess today, i can paint something, i can read and learn, i can give back, i can take a shower, i can wear clean clothes, i have somewhere to go home too. am i out of my mind? Alhamdulilah.
september 5 2025
i keep messing up my Lord, You gifted me a beautiful and pure intention. Do I have no fear for the day that no one will be concerned with me and only concerned with themselves, the day i will only be concerned with myself and crossing the thin sharp line over hellfire? do I look at other peoples gardens and forget my own? do i forget to praise and glorify you? why? You created me forgetful and weak and with little knowledge but I know to keep coming back to You. that's all i know, i don't know anything else. and i won't ask you questions about what i don't know. i don't know where trust comes from, i dont know why theres a division in the seas. i know im in Your hands. i know my provision and decree is in Your hands and what a wonderful decree its been Alhamdulilah. Ya Allah who all praise belongs to, won't You keep protecting me, sheltering me, and feeding me like YOU always have? won't You strengthen my discernment? won't you cool my temper? won't you sharpen my tongue like Aisha's RA? won't you put comfort in my eyes? You let me lay in grass and pray to you next to a river. You let me listen to beautiful recitation and gave me a talented teacher. You let me talk to my friends and reflect the purity in their hearts. why should i feel anguish? i am of Your believers, i testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam. I testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger. I am pleased with my station as long as you are pleased with me. I don't worry about waswas or fame or obsession as long as you are pleased with me. My decree is in Your Hands. my provision is in Your Hands. You say be and it is. who has power like You? who is concerned about me like You? who has reach over time and space like You? whose throne extends over this world and the heavens? who can intercede without Your permission? Creator of Adam AS Creator of dirt, Creator of Idris AS, creator of cover, Creator of Nuh AS, creator of stability, Creator of Abraham AS, Creator of whispers, Creator of Ayoub AS, creator of pain, Creator of Musa AS, creator of fear, Creator of Yousef AS, creator of beauty, Creator of Daud AS, creator of iron, Creator of Sulayman AS, Creator of jinn and the divers among them, Creator of my messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam, creator of mankind. Ya Allah I ask for your guidance, if you do not guide me I will be lost forever, ya Allah give me what You promised me ya mumeetu Alhamdulilah
september 6 2025
Ya halim im not asking for what i usually ask for, im asking for something that you usually have always given me even when i didnt ask for it or appreciate it. oh Allah surely mankind is ungrateful. Ya Allah today im asking for success
september 22 2025
ya Allah its september 22 2025 where did time go. i havent narrated your blessings on here for a while. thank you for my friendships. thank you for my individuality thank you for my personality thank you for my happiness thank you for my kopal thank you for my fortune thank you for my faith thank you for my strength thank you for my voice thank you for my charity thank you for my friends again thank you for dried onions thank you for forgetfulness thank you for the division of the two seas. thank you for me. thank you for options. thank you for choice. thank you for the book. thank you for nature. thank you for the call to prayer thank you for intention. thank you for breathing. thank you for movement. thank you for guidance. thank you for healing. thank you for cures. thank you for purification. thank you for the way you created the universe in perfect fashion. thank you for water. thank you for intuition.
september 24 2025
i cant believe its september 24th im so thankful. i get to see friends this week. i get to cook for people. this life is one of one. the light is coming in.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire
october 8 2025
ya Allah i have to narrate my blessings about 2 conversations i had, one with my friend aminata and the other with my past supervisor professor wesley-nero,
then i have to tell You about what i found in myself today
i told aminata about my loss of self-esteem, she told me the cost is too high to not believe
i asked professor welsey-nero what to do when the walls are closing in, she said focus on the work in your hands, to ground in community and prayer, to remember the people who fought in the past
i was looking for true justice and restoration of identity, i found it in dignity and authenticity
october 14 2025
ya Allah
let me narrate your blessings today,
i had paratha with tomato and an egg just salt and pepper,
i got to teach chess today????????? to a wonderful group of kids, i got to learn how to be a better teacher, how to work with multiple kids at once, im finding my why again,
im doing a better job at feeling my feelings and regulating
i got to listen to the subac again tonight, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah,
i have a beautiful home, i have beautiful beautiful clothes,
i spent 2 hours on the bus and kept saying i need to be home right now but i was secretly enjoying the long bus rude i forgot how beautiful dc gets when the sunsways away and the cold creeps in. its going to be my first winter in dc in three years, i was in italy, then nyc, then bangladesh.
im so lucky i got to travel so much, i know i was angry and i get scared because i dont talk to my parents and i dont know what that means and i didnt feel like i had one stable traditional family home to be able to live in and go back to and i dont know what that means. You know? because im not entitled to anything, it always hurts to talk about but i really should have more respect for myself, i wish people could see how much it hurts, i wish they would care. i wish i didnt lose my words based on if people understand or not. it doesnt really matter if they do but sometimes i wish so much that they would that i cant say anything any more from fear that my wish wont come true. its not personal but i just really wish someone could hear me. im always the saying the same thing, look how much i've been hurt, when i mean to say look how much i've been guided, what about the lady who held my forehead and wiped my eyes in the dentists office, im 24 years old and i used to say i raised myself, thinking i was being dramatic, but not im 24 years old and i've been raising myself for at least 6 yeaers. almost 7. thats 1/4th of my life, 25%. in two years that will be 30%, in ten years, it will be over 50%. what did i learn in this time? what did i lose in this time? i learned leaving, i learned disdain. i learned insecurity, which is the weirdest thing. i somehow never felt insecurity until last year, and it was over not having a stable home which is so so strange because i havent in a while but i only started feeling like that based on what other older people said. which i never cared about until i was insecure. which comes first the chicken or the egg? probably both. i feel like i said this before. sometimes when im writing i just hear the same phrases again. they were both made in an instant right? Be and it is. insecurity and doubt. i was watching a youtube video from ayan her tedtalk and was talking about how something happened and it made her lose her why. i understood her because i used to always have a strong sense of why, despite everything. it's not like my hardships and worse now, in fact, Allah knows best, but i would say they are a million times easier. so why did i find myself losing hope now when i didnt then. maybe because i couldnt lose hope then. why do i think i have an option to lose hope now? theres too much work to be done right? it costs too much right? idk who reads this and if ill ever make it more public. but if i tell you how i lost hope does that make me too vulnerable? does that make me not strong? i lost hope when my parents hadn't seen me in years and in that time i got my degree while battling 2 chronic illnesses on my own and the only thing they said to me was that i should get ready to get married, when i got a job and moved to my own place, they said the same thing again. those things are hard to do you know? they dont just appear out of thin air. but i guess that's Allah's grace that i make it look like it does. when did i lose hope??? when i had to stay in friends houses and i should be grateful but i couldnt shake how much i hated that i was in this situation. when did i lose hope? why did it feel like everywhere i turned i hit a wall? i never focused on the walls before why did i start focusing on the walls? i didnt see myself reflected back in anyone, except maybe gardens and bodies of water. when did i lost hope? i could tell you the moment i found it again. it was really painful. someone made me feel so bad that the sea split in half, two bodies of water that dont mix. this is starting to get fragmented, as my thoughts do when i get emotional flash backs. i just remembered suddenly that i was my own person, and i got mad that anyone would ever try to assert otherwise, i got mad that people dont respect survivors and victims, i got mad that people dont take care of our kids. i got mad that people dont take care of our poor. im still mad about it so mad that it overrode 24 years of people pleasing and fawning. ha. didnt i tell u guys. im always trying to talk about the pain but what i really mean is that i've been guided. let me keep narrating my blessings. ive been given some self sufficiency and i ask for more so ill keep narrating my blessings. i used to not understand rhytym but now i do. i like to play my keyboard, why does it have so many buttons??? i found some nice synths on there and bird and sea noises. i listened to music and worked out. i dont really listen to music anymore but its so grounding to me. i did my makeup. i havent done it in so long my makeup is so old at this point. i watched a movie i liked. was watching videos with paloma elsesser her arch digest is really good. i had pancakes and pasta every day the past two weeks. i love the people in DC so much. talking to fighters of my deen. idk i love this dunya and i love this life i just understood something.
october 25 2025
there was a girl who i really try not to think about who used to tell me i need to be more street smart i didnt know what that meant when she told me but now i know it means to be quiet and move slowly. i think about her like i think about a lot of people, everyone is so moved on with their life, but i used to feel so stuck. like i would still be looking at these people who have nothing to do with my life anymore and thinking about them. why does this happen with only some people. is it because we see something in them that is similar to us? and bc its somewhat similar we feel like we should have an opinion on it. im not going to have an opinion on my life anymore.
i still love dc. i was neglecting georgetown for a long time because well. its georgetown. but like every other place ive lived, i saw Allah there. and it was made a blessed accomodation for me. so today i started loving georgetown again. i loved walking down m street. i loved walking to the water front. i loved going into the same stores i used to always go into. i loved getting the same sandwich i always used to get. i loved seeing people with their friends and families enjoying their time there. it is a little dreamy idk how they did that because its only 20 years old. i wonder what people who went to school there did before they had the stores up m street. i love georgetown it feels like a fairy tale to me. selfishly, i love how much other people like it. how they will get dressed up to go there. i love the education i got and that i had the blessing of learning at that level. im so thankful for every class every conversation with a professor or classmate, every opportunity, every moment at msb or lau. i never thought in my life i would say that. but i spent 2 and a half years hating georgetown and today i dont. i love every piece of art i looked at and studied. i love every second i was abroad and got to see different cities in europe. every meal i ate and every time i walked up and down that nasty hill in fiesole. i love it and miss it so much. while we are here, i miss astoria so much. i turned a corner and it looked like astoria and i started blankly and blinked and stopped in my tracks. i miss how the houses look i miss walking through ditmars every time of the day. i miss the aunts at the masjid. i miss going to yoga classes. i miss playing basketball. i miss the bagel i would get with butter turkey bacon and jaleponos. i love myself so much i wish there was 50 of me. i love this life so much i havent even started narrating my blessings right now. im starting to feel like me again, i want to forget everyone and focus on what i like again, its easy to talk to people again, its easier to imagine success again. IM FED FROM HUNGER IM PROTECTED FROM HARM. why does dc get dreamier every day, why do i forget everything that hurt me, why is it so easy to ignore the trauma suddenly. ok im healed. where is my community im ready for u! just kidding i know where my community is. its 1:22 am, and its the weekend, and i have a fridge full of groceries, and a job that i love. i teach children chess, this is literally my dream job. i feel stillness when i see magenta and green and suddenly everything is magenta and green. i love my home. i love my thoughts. i love my messenger SAWS.
August 27 2025
i was at central kitchen and i saw the best dressed people i think that ive ever seen. people were coming in for a info session and every time the door opened it was a different extraordinary outfit. i saw gorgeous pants, shoes, jackets, then the most beautiful hairstyles and piercings too.
it was nice to chop veggies i hope i can go there more. Alhamdulilah for everything. last friday i started feeling sick cuz of something that happened outside and i didnt leave my apartment for days. today was the biggest relief. it was mostly women there today that might be why
i rode around on a bike too i havent done that in forever how is it that you dont forget some things even if u dont do it in years but forget other things. how does that work in your brain. cuz i know like certain brain connections alert other brain connections and it cascades like that but what decides how important some thing is ? whats worth forgetting and what needs to be remembered forever. cuz theres certain things i wish i remembered more and other things i remembered less. i think its something in your brain stem maybe??? or one of the layers over ur spine? idk i used to ask AI to research this stuff but i dont like useing it. but its really good and pointing you in the right direction for research. i heard its also good for extremly detailed work now. like looking at every .00000000000001 mm in a painting to see if its real or not. interesting. i guess i would only use it if i had something in mind already and had already read about it extensively. its what u bring to it also so my main thing is it wouldnt be WORTH it if i wasnt prepared to use it.
im so distracted today. did you know that i have a lot of sick people in my family. everyones ovaries been taken out or has had open heart of cant move a body part bc of nerve damage. how do you think that happens to a generation of people? i have my dignity today
no one talks about anything and laughs. nothing is funny. everyone is nervous and self abandoned to survive. how do you take away peoples honesty? you dont have any fear? that you kill someone because you're not willing to believe them. at least leave them with their truth. but then you can't take from them right? you can't take their skill and their material if you dont take their honesty first. a liar saying they dont lie. maybe something is funny. the power you think you're throwing around is from Allah. He lets you do what you do for a period of time to show us the finest victory.
August 31 2025
Ya Allah i wont ask you about things i dont know.... i understand i've been ungrateful, you took me across the world and i just simply asked. you let me see adornments and attractions and i didn't attribute them to you. i focused on the wrong things. you showed me things that are supposed to keep me happy for a life time. i sinned greatly my lord. you put honest and loving people in my life that treat me like family when i didnt see that for myself. im so lucky Alhamdulilah. when you gave me these things i focused on the next thing instead of increasing my praise to you. i focused on what you didnt give me and plotted to get that. i keep learning that my plots dont mean anything they arent based on anything that You know what's best and You'll show me gently if I don't attach myself to a certain outcome. Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. i have a bad habit of thinking i know anything and i dont. i wont ask you about things i dont know. but ive been in my body more. i only call to you now when i need something. i dont put anything between me and You. I put You between me and everything. i wont ask you about things i dont know. take me where i can help the most people, take me where the pure of heart is. Alhamdulilah. which of your blessings do i deny? i won't ask you about things i don't know anything about it. I'm sorry for when I was ungrateful, you've blessed me. I have enough. ya Allah take away my shame. im only ashamed because i dont sing your praises while you bless me endlessly. i feel confused why You choose me to bless like this. i won't ask you about what i don't know. ill just be quiet and thankful. im with you my lord hearing and seeing. is it true no one can take my blessings? is it true no one is me, maisha, today August 31, 2025. except me, maisha. How lucky i am. if i wasn't me what would i do, i would be so lost. i won't ask you about things i know nothing about. is it true every muslim prays at your adhaan? is it true muslims call to prayer 5 times a day every single day? is it true? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you've purified me? which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you want to teach me? is it true you sharpened my seeing and hearing? Which of your blessings will i deny? is it true you show me your signs every day and in my thoughts? which of your blessings will i deny? Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad Ahad. im so lucky to be me and for the people around me that i witness, i'm surrounded by beautiful and intelligent people... how am i so lucky?????????? i won't ask you about what i don't know. all glory belongs to You my Lord. i have a bad habit of planning and plotting... how can i plan and plot with You? by keeping belief right? by asking you instead of others right? everything was one small point and then its always expanding right? we are growing more and more distant from everything around us until the Day where you gather us, that day we will truly be alone. right? i worry im not grateful enough. how glorious You are. teach me to narrate your blessings my lord. I don't want to curate and cut things out anymore. but i do want to be a fighter for your religion. the division of the seas. theres something i cant see, but i wont ask you about what i dont know about. i only listen to you. i dont blame anyone any more. how can i blame any one for any thing while living this beautiful life? there are trees planted outside, there is grass to lay in, you can pray by the water and cook yourself a meal when you get home. there's valuable work like chopping up veggies in a soup kitchen and theres nice and kind people everywhere. which of your blessings do i deny????? i can play chess today, i can paint something, i can read and learn, i can give back, i can take a shower, i can wear clean clothes, i have somewhere to go home too. am i out of my mind? Alhamdulilah.
september 5 2025
i keep messing up my Lord, You gifted me a beautiful and pure intention. Do I have no fear for the day that no one will be concerned with me and only concerned with themselves, the day i will only be concerned with myself and crossing the thin sharp line over hellfire? do I look at other peoples gardens and forget my own? do i forget to praise and glorify you? why? You created me forgetful and weak and with little knowledge but I know to keep coming back to You. that's all i know, i don't know anything else. and i won't ask you questions about what i don't know. i don't know where trust comes from, i dont know why theres a division in the seas. i know im in Your hands. i know my provision and decree is in Your hands and what a wonderful decree its been Alhamdulilah. Ya Allah who all praise belongs to, won't You keep protecting me, sheltering me, and feeding me like YOU always have? won't You strengthen my discernment? won't you cool my temper? won't you sharpen my tongue like Aisha's RA? won't you put comfort in my eyes? You let me lay in grass and pray to you next to a river. You let me listen to beautiful recitation and gave me a talented teacher. You let me talk to my friends and reflect the purity in their hearts. why should i feel anguish? i am of Your believers, i testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam. I testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger. I am pleased with my station as long as you are pleased with me. I don't worry about waswas or fame or obsession as long as you are pleased with me. My decree is in Your Hands. my provision is in Your Hands. You say be and it is. who has power like You? who is concerned about me like You? who has reach over time and space like You? whose throne extends over this world and the heavens? who can intercede without Your permission? Creator of Adam AS Creator of dirt, Creator of Idris AS, creator of cover, Creator of Nuh AS, creator of stability, Creator of Abraham AS, Creator of whispers, Creator of Ayoub AS, creator of pain, Creator of Musa AS, creator of fear, Creator of Yousef AS, creator of beauty, Creator of Daud AS, creator of iron, Creator of Sulayman AS, Creator of jinn and the divers among them, Creator of my messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam, creator of mankind. Ya Allah I ask for your guidance, if you do not guide me I will be lost forever, ya Allah give me what You promised me ya mumeetu Alhamdulilah
september 6 2025
Ya halim im not asking for what i usually ask for, im asking for something that you usually have always given me even when i didnt ask for it or appreciate it. oh Allah surely mankind is ungrateful. Ya Allah today im asking for success
september 22 2025
ya Allah its september 22 2025 where did time go. i havent narrated your blessings on here for a while. thank you for my friendships. thank you for my individuality thank you for my personality thank you for my happiness thank you for my kopal thank you for my fortune thank you for my faith thank you for my strength thank you for my voice thank you for my charity thank you for my friends again thank you for dried onions thank you for forgetfulness thank you for the division of the two seas. thank you for me. thank you for options. thank you for choice. thank you for the book. thank you for nature. thank you for the call to prayer thank you for intention. thank you for breathing. thank you for movement. thank you for guidance. thank you for healing. thank you for cures. thank you for purification. thank you for the way you created the universe in perfect fashion. thank you for water. thank you for intuition.
september 24 2025
i cant believe its september 24th im so thankful. i get to see friends this week. i get to cook for people. this life is one of one. the light is coming in.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire
october 8 2025
ya Allah i have to narrate my blessings about 2 conversations i had, one with my friend aminata and the other with my past supervisor professor wesley-nero,
then i have to tell You about what i found in myself today
i told aminata about my loss of self-esteem, she told me the cost is too high to not believe
i asked professor welsey-nero what to do when the walls are closing in, she said focus on the work in your hands, to ground in community and prayer, to remember the people who fought in the past
i was looking for true justice and restoration of identity, i found it in dignity and authenticity
october 14 2025
ya Allah
let me narrate your blessings today,
i had paratha with tomato and an egg just salt and pepper,
i got to teach chess today????????? to a wonderful group of kids, i got to learn how to be a better teacher, how to work with multiple kids at once, im finding my why again,
im doing a better job at feeling my feelings and regulating
i got to listen to the subac again tonight, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah,
i have a beautiful home, i have beautiful beautiful clothes,
i spent 2 hours on the bus and kept saying i need to be home right now but i was secretly enjoying the long bus rude i forgot how beautiful dc gets when the sunsways away and the cold creeps in. its going to be my first winter in dc in three years, i was in italy, then nyc, then bangladesh.
im so lucky i got to travel so much, i know i was angry and i get scared because i dont talk to my parents and i dont know what that means and i didnt feel like i had one stable traditional family home to be able to live in and go back to and i dont know what that means. You know? because im not entitled to anything, it always hurts to talk about but i really should have more respect for myself, i wish people could see how much it hurts, i wish they would care. i wish i didnt lose my words based on if people understand or not. it doesnt really matter if they do but sometimes i wish so much that they would that i cant say anything any more from fear that my wish wont come true. its not personal but i just really wish someone could hear me. im always the saying the same thing, look how much i've been hurt, when i mean to say look how much i've been guided, what about the lady who held my forehead and wiped my eyes in the dentists office, im 24 years old and i used to say i raised myself, thinking i was being dramatic, but not im 24 years old and i've been raising myself for at least 6 yeaers. almost 7. thats 1/4th of my life, 25%. in two years that will be 30%, in ten years, it will be over 50%. what did i learn in this time? what did i lose in this time? i learned leaving, i learned disdain. i learned insecurity, which is the weirdest thing. i somehow never felt insecurity until last year, and it was over not having a stable home which is so so strange because i havent in a while but i only started feeling like that based on what other older people said. which i never cared about until i was insecure. which comes first the chicken or the egg? probably both. i feel like i said this before. sometimes when im writing i just hear the same phrases again. they were both made in an instant right? Be and it is. insecurity and doubt. i was watching a youtube video from ayan her tedtalk and was talking about how something happened and it made her lose her why. i understood her because i used to always have a strong sense of why, despite everything. it's not like my hardships and worse now, in fact, Allah knows best, but i would say they are a million times easier. so why did i find myself losing hope now when i didnt then. maybe because i couldnt lose hope then. why do i think i have an option to lose hope now? theres too much work to be done right? it costs too much right? idk who reads this and if ill ever make it more public. but if i tell you how i lost hope does that make me too vulnerable? does that make me not strong? i lost hope when my parents hadn't seen me in years and in that time i got my degree while battling 2 chronic illnesses on my own and the only thing they said to me was that i should get ready to get married, when i got a job and moved to my own place, they said the same thing again. those things are hard to do you know? they dont just appear out of thin air. but i guess that's Allah's grace that i make it look like it does. when did i lose hope??? when i had to stay in friends houses and i should be grateful but i couldnt shake how much i hated that i was in this situation. when did i lose hope? why did it feel like everywhere i turned i hit a wall? i never focused on the walls before why did i start focusing on the walls? i didnt see myself reflected back in anyone, except maybe gardens and bodies of water. when did i lost hope? i could tell you the moment i found it again. it was really painful. someone made me feel so bad that the sea split in half, two bodies of water that dont mix. this is starting to get fragmented, as my thoughts do when i get emotional flash backs. i just remembered suddenly that i was my own person, and i got mad that anyone would ever try to assert otherwise, i got mad that people dont respect survivors and victims, i got mad that people dont take care of our kids. i got mad that people dont take care of our poor. im still mad about it so mad that it overrode 24 years of people pleasing and fawning. ha. didnt i tell u guys. im always trying to talk about the pain but what i really mean is that i've been guided. let me keep narrating my blessings. ive been given some self sufficiency and i ask for more so ill keep narrating my blessings. i used to not understand rhytym but now i do. i like to play my keyboard, why does it have so many buttons??? i found some nice synths on there and bird and sea noises. i listened to music and worked out. i dont really listen to music anymore but its so grounding to me. i did my makeup. i havent done it in so long my makeup is so old at this point. i watched a movie i liked. was watching videos with paloma elsesser her arch digest is really good. i had pancakes and pasta every day the past two weeks. i love the people in DC so much. talking to fighters of my deen. idk i love this dunya and i love this life i just understood something.
october 25 2025
there was a girl who i really try not to think about who used to tell me i need to be more street smart i didnt know what that meant when she told me but now i know it means to be quiet and move slowly. i think about her like i think about a lot of people, everyone is so moved on with their life, but i used to feel so stuck. like i would still be looking at these people who have nothing to do with my life anymore and thinking about them. why does this happen with only some people. is it because we see something in them that is similar to us? and bc its somewhat similar we feel like we should have an opinion on it. im not going to have an opinion on my life anymore.
i still love dc. i was neglecting georgetown for a long time because well. its georgetown. but like every other place ive lived, i saw Allah there. and it was made a blessed accomodation for me. so today i started loving georgetown again. i loved walking down m street. i loved walking to the water front. i loved going into the same stores i used to always go into. i loved getting the same sandwich i always used to get. i loved seeing people with their friends and families enjoying their time there. it is a little dreamy idk how they did that because its only 20 years old. i wonder what people who went to school there did before they had the stores up m street. i love georgetown it feels like a fairy tale to me. selfishly, i love how much other people like it. how they will get dressed up to go there. i love the education i got and that i had the blessing of learning at that level. im so thankful for every class every conversation with a professor or classmate, every opportunity, every moment at msb or lau. i never thought in my life i would say that. but i spent 2 and a half years hating georgetown and today i dont. i love every piece of art i looked at and studied. i love every second i was abroad and got to see different cities in europe. every meal i ate and every time i walked up and down that nasty hill in fiesole. i love it and miss it so much. while we are here, i miss astoria so much. i turned a corner and it looked like astoria and i started blankly and blinked and stopped in my tracks. i miss how the houses look i miss walking through ditmars every time of the day. i miss the aunts at the masjid. i miss going to yoga classes. i miss playing basketball. i miss the bagel i would get with butter turkey bacon and jaleponos. i love myself so much i wish there was 50 of me. i love this life so much i havent even started narrating my blessings right now. im starting to feel like me again, i want to forget everyone and focus on what i like again, its easy to talk to people again, its easier to imagine success again. IM FED FROM HUNGER IM PROTECTED FROM HARM. why does dc get dreamier every day, why do i forget everything that hurt me, why is it so easy to ignore the trauma suddenly. ok im healed. where is my community im ready for u! just kidding i know where my community is. its 1:22 am, and its the weekend, and i have a fridge full of groceries, and a job that i love. i teach children chess, this is literally my dream job. i feel stillness when i see magenta and green and suddenly everything is magenta and green. i love my home. i love my thoughts. i love my messenger SAWS.
september 5 2025
i keep messing up my Lord, You gifted me a beautiful and pure intention. Do I have no fear for the day that no one will be concerned with me and only concerned with themselves, the day i will only be concerned with myself and crossing the thin sharp line over hellfire? do I look at other peoples gardens and forget my own? do i forget to praise and glorify you? why? You created me forgetful and weak and with little knowledge but I know to keep coming back to You. that's all i know, i don't know anything else. and i won't ask you questions about what i don't know. i don't know where trust comes from, i dont know why theres a division in the seas. i know im in Your hands. i know my provision and decree is in Your hands and what a wonderful decree its been Alhamdulilah. Ya Allah who all praise belongs to, won't You keep protecting me, sheltering me, and feeding me like YOU always have? won't You strengthen my discernment? won't you cool my temper? won't you sharpen my tongue like Aisha's RA? won't you put comfort in my eyes? You let me lay in grass and pray to you next to a river. You let me listen to beautiful recitation and gave me a talented teacher. You let me talk to my friends and reflect the purity in their hearts. why should i feel anguish? i am of Your believers, i testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam. I testify i obey no one but You and Your messenger. I am pleased with my station as long as you are pleased with me. I don't worry about waswas or fame or obsession as long as you are pleased with me. My decree is in Your Hands. my provision is in Your Hands. You say be and it is. who has power like You? who is concerned about me like You? who has reach over time and space like You? whose throne extends over this world and the heavens? who can intercede without Your permission? Creator of Adam AS Creator of dirt, Creator of Idris AS, creator of cover, Creator of Nuh AS, creator of stability, Creator of Abraham AS, Creator of whispers, Creator of Ayoub AS, creator of pain, Creator of Musa AS, creator of fear, Creator of Yousef AS, creator of beauty, Creator of Daud AS, creator of iron, Creator of Sulayman AS, Creator of jinn and the divers among them, Creator of my messenger salallahu alayhi wassalam, creator of mankind. Ya Allah I ask for your guidance, if you do not guide me I will be lost forever, ya Allah give me what You promised me ya mumeetu Alhamdulilah
september 6 2025
Ya halim im not asking for what i usually ask for, im asking for something that you usually have always given me even when i didnt ask for it or appreciate it. oh Allah surely mankind is ungrateful. Ya Allah today im asking for success
september 22 2025
ya Allah its september 22 2025 where did time go. i havent narrated your blessings on here for a while. thank you for my friendships. thank you for my individuality thank you for my personality thank you for my happiness thank you for my kopal thank you for my fortune thank you for my faith thank you for my strength thank you for my voice thank you for my charity thank you for my friends again thank you for dried onions thank you for forgetfulness thank you for the division of the two seas. thank you for me. thank you for options. thank you for choice. thank you for the book. thank you for nature. thank you for the call to prayer thank you for intention. thank you for breathing. thank you for movement. thank you for guidance. thank you for healing. thank you for cures. thank you for purification. thank you for the way you created the universe in perfect fashion. thank you for water. thank you for intuition.
september 24 2025
i cant believe its september 24th im so thankful. i get to see friends this week. i get to cook for people. this life is one of one. the light is coming in.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire
october 8 2025
ya Allah i have to narrate my blessings about 2 conversations i had, one with my friend aminata and the other with my past supervisor professor wesley-nero,
then i have to tell You about what i found in myself today
i told aminata about my loss of self-esteem, she told me the cost is too high to not believe
i asked professor welsey-nero what to do when the walls are closing in, she said focus on the work in your hands, to ground in community and prayer, to remember the people who fought in the past
i was looking for true justice and restoration of identity, i found it in dignity and authenticity
october 14 2025
ya Allah
let me narrate your blessings today,
i had paratha with tomato and an egg just salt and pepper,
i got to teach chess today????????? to a wonderful group of kids, i got to learn how to be a better teacher, how to work with multiple kids at once, im finding my why again,
im doing a better job at feeling my feelings and regulating
i got to listen to the subac again tonight, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah,
i have a beautiful home, i have beautiful beautiful clothes,
i spent 2 hours on the bus and kept saying i need to be home right now but i was secretly enjoying the long bus rude i forgot how beautiful dc gets when the sunsways away and the cold creeps in. its going to be my first winter in dc in three years, i was in italy, then nyc, then bangladesh.
im so lucky i got to travel so much, i know i was angry and i get scared because i dont talk to my parents and i dont know what that means and i didnt feel like i had one stable traditional family home to be able to live in and go back to and i dont know what that means. You know? because im not entitled to anything, it always hurts to talk about but i really should have more respect for myself, i wish people could see how much it hurts, i wish they would care. i wish i didnt lose my words based on if people understand or not. it doesnt really matter if they do but sometimes i wish so much that they would that i cant say anything any more from fear that my wish wont come true. its not personal but i just really wish someone could hear me. im always the saying the same thing, look how much i've been hurt, when i mean to say look how much i've been guided, what about the lady who held my forehead and wiped my eyes in the dentists office, im 24 years old and i used to say i raised myself, thinking i was being dramatic, but not im 24 years old and i've been raising myself for at least 6 yeaers. almost 7. thats 1/4th of my life, 25%. in two years that will be 30%, in ten years, it will be over 50%. what did i learn in this time? what did i lose in this time? i learned leaving, i learned disdain. i learned insecurity, which is the weirdest thing. i somehow never felt insecurity until last year, and it was over not having a stable home which is so so strange because i havent in a while but i only started feeling like that based on what other older people said. which i never cared about until i was insecure. which comes first the chicken or the egg? probably both. i feel like i said this before. sometimes when im writing i just hear the same phrases again. they were both made in an instant right? Be and it is. insecurity and doubt. i was watching a youtube video from ayan her tedtalk and was talking about how something happened and it made her lose her why. i understood her because i used to always have a strong sense of why, despite everything. it's not like my hardships and worse now, in fact, Allah knows best, but i would say they are a million times easier. so why did i find myself losing hope now when i didnt then. maybe because i couldnt lose hope then. why do i think i have an option to lose hope now? theres too much work to be done right? it costs too much right? idk who reads this and if ill ever make it more public. but if i tell you how i lost hope does that make me too vulnerable? does that make me not strong? i lost hope when my parents hadn't seen me in years and in that time i got my degree while battling 2 chronic illnesses on my own and the only thing they said to me was that i should get ready to get married, when i got a job and moved to my own place, they said the same thing again. those things are hard to do you know? they dont just appear out of thin air. but i guess that's Allah's grace that i make it look like it does. when did i lose hope??? when i had to stay in friends houses and i should be grateful but i couldnt shake how much i hated that i was in this situation. when did i lose hope? why did it feel like everywhere i turned i hit a wall? i never focused on the walls before why did i start focusing on the walls? i didnt see myself reflected back in anyone, except maybe gardens and bodies of water. when did i lost hope? i could tell you the moment i found it again. it was really painful. someone made me feel so bad that the sea split in half, two bodies of water that dont mix. this is starting to get fragmented, as my thoughts do when i get emotional flash backs. i just remembered suddenly that i was my own person, and i got mad that anyone would ever try to assert otherwise, i got mad that people dont respect survivors and victims, i got mad that people dont take care of our kids. i got mad that people dont take care of our poor. im still mad about it so mad that it overrode 24 years of people pleasing and fawning. ha. didnt i tell u guys. im always trying to talk about the pain but what i really mean is that i've been guided. let me keep narrating my blessings. ive been given some self sufficiency and i ask for more so ill keep narrating my blessings. i used to not understand rhytym but now i do. i like to play my keyboard, why does it have so many buttons??? i found some nice synths on there and bird and sea noises. i listened to music and worked out. i dont really listen to music anymore but its so grounding to me. i did my makeup. i havent done it in so long my makeup is so old at this point. i watched a movie i liked. was watching videos with paloma elsesser her arch digest is really good. i had pancakes and pasta every day the past two weeks. i love the people in DC so much. talking to fighters of my deen. idk i love this dunya and i love this life i just understood something.
october 25 2025
there was a girl who i really try not to think about who used to tell me i need to be more street smart i didnt know what that meant when she told me but now i know it means to be quiet and move slowly. i think about her like i think about a lot of people, everyone is so moved on with their life, but i used to feel so stuck. like i would still be looking at these people who have nothing to do with my life anymore and thinking about them. why does this happen with only some people. is it because we see something in them that is similar to us? and bc its somewhat similar we feel like we should have an opinion on it. im not going to have an opinion on my life anymore.
i still love dc. i was neglecting georgetown for a long time because well. its georgetown. but like every other place ive lived, i saw Allah there. and it was made a blessed accomodation for me. so today i started loving georgetown again. i loved walking down m street. i loved walking to the water front. i loved going into the same stores i used to always go into. i loved getting the same sandwich i always used to get. i loved seeing people with their friends and families enjoying their time there. it is a little dreamy idk how they did that because its only 20 years old. i wonder what people who went to school there did before they had the stores up m street. i love georgetown it feels like a fairy tale to me. selfishly, i love how much other people like it. how they will get dressed up to go there. i love the education i got and that i had the blessing of learning at that level. im so thankful for every class every conversation with a professor or classmate, every opportunity, every moment at msb or lau. i never thought in my life i would say that. but i spent 2 and a half years hating georgetown and today i dont. i love every piece of art i looked at and studied. i love every second i was abroad and got to see different cities in europe. every meal i ate and every time i walked up and down that nasty hill in fiesole. i love it and miss it so much. while we are here, i miss astoria so much. i turned a corner and it looked like astoria and i started blankly and blinked and stopped in my tracks. i miss how the houses look i miss walking through ditmars every time of the day. i miss the aunts at the masjid. i miss going to yoga classes. i miss playing basketball. i miss the bagel i would get with butter turkey bacon and jaleponos. i love myself so much i wish there was 50 of me. i love this life so much i havent even started narrating my blessings right now. im starting to feel like me again, i want to forget everyone and focus on what i like again, its easy to talk to people again, its easier to imagine success again. IM FED FROM HUNGER IM PROTECTED FROM HARM. why does dc get dreamier every day, why do i forget everything that hurt me, why is it so easy to ignore the trauma suddenly. ok im healed. where is my community im ready for u! just kidding i know where my community is. its 1:22 am, and its the weekend, and i have a fridge full of groceries, and a job that i love. i teach children chess, this is literally my dream job. i feel stillness when i see magenta and green and suddenly everything is magenta and green. i love my home. i love my thoughts. i love my messenger SAWS.
september 22 2025
ya Allah its september 22 2025 where did time go. i havent narrated your blessings on here for a while. thank you for my friendships. thank you for my individuality thank you for my personality thank you for my happiness thank you for my kopal thank you for my fortune thank you for my faith thank you for my strength thank you for my voice thank you for my charity thank you for my friends again thank you for dried onions thank you for forgetfulness thank you for the division of the two seas. thank you for me. thank you for options. thank you for choice. thank you for the book. thank you for nature. thank you for the call to prayer thank you for intention. thank you for breathing. thank you for movement. thank you for guidance. thank you for healing. thank you for cures. thank you for purification. thank you for the way you created the universe in perfect fashion. thank you for water. thank you for intuition.
september 24 2025
i cant believe its september 24th im so thankful. i get to see friends this week. i get to cook for people. this life is one of one. the light is coming in.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire
october 8 2025
ya Allah i have to narrate my blessings about 2 conversations i had, one with my friend aminata and the other with my past supervisor professor wesley-nero,
then i have to tell You about what i found in myself today
i told aminata about my loss of self-esteem, she told me the cost is too high to not believe
i asked professor welsey-nero what to do when the walls are closing in, she said focus on the work in your hands, to ground in community and prayer, to remember the people who fought in the past
i was looking for true justice and restoration of identity, i found it in dignity and authenticity
october 14 2025
ya Allah
let me narrate your blessings today,
i had paratha with tomato and an egg just salt and pepper,
i got to teach chess today????????? to a wonderful group of kids, i got to learn how to be a better teacher, how to work with multiple kids at once, im finding my why again,
im doing a better job at feeling my feelings and regulating
i got to listen to the subac again tonight, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah,
i have a beautiful home, i have beautiful beautiful clothes,
i spent 2 hours on the bus and kept saying i need to be home right now but i was secretly enjoying the long bus rude i forgot how beautiful dc gets when the sunsways away and the cold creeps in. its going to be my first winter in dc in three years, i was in italy, then nyc, then bangladesh.
im so lucky i got to travel so much, i know i was angry and i get scared because i dont talk to my parents and i dont know what that means and i didnt feel like i had one stable traditional family home to be able to live in and go back to and i dont know what that means. You know? because im not entitled to anything, it always hurts to talk about but i really should have more respect for myself, i wish people could see how much it hurts, i wish they would care. i wish i didnt lose my words based on if people understand or not. it doesnt really matter if they do but sometimes i wish so much that they would that i cant say anything any more from fear that my wish wont come true. its not personal but i just really wish someone could hear me. im always the saying the same thing, look how much i've been hurt, when i mean to say look how much i've been guided, what about the lady who held my forehead and wiped my eyes in the dentists office, im 24 years old and i used to say i raised myself, thinking i was being dramatic, but not im 24 years old and i've been raising myself for at least 6 yeaers. almost 7. thats 1/4th of my life, 25%. in two years that will be 30%, in ten years, it will be over 50%. what did i learn in this time? what did i lose in this time? i learned leaving, i learned disdain. i learned insecurity, which is the weirdest thing. i somehow never felt insecurity until last year, and it was over not having a stable home which is so so strange because i havent in a while but i only started feeling like that based on what other older people said. which i never cared about until i was insecure. which comes first the chicken or the egg? probably both. i feel like i said this before. sometimes when im writing i just hear the same phrases again. they were both made in an instant right? Be and it is. insecurity and doubt. i was watching a youtube video from ayan her tedtalk and was talking about how something happened and it made her lose her why. i understood her because i used to always have a strong sense of why, despite everything. it's not like my hardships and worse now, in fact, Allah knows best, but i would say they are a million times easier. so why did i find myself losing hope now when i didnt then. maybe because i couldnt lose hope then. why do i think i have an option to lose hope now? theres too much work to be done right? it costs too much right? idk who reads this and if ill ever make it more public. but if i tell you how i lost hope does that make me too vulnerable? does that make me not strong? i lost hope when my parents hadn't seen me in years and in that time i got my degree while battling 2 chronic illnesses on my own and the only thing they said to me was that i should get ready to get married, when i got a job and moved to my own place, they said the same thing again. those things are hard to do you know? they dont just appear out of thin air. but i guess that's Allah's grace that i make it look like it does. when did i lose hope??? when i had to stay in friends houses and i should be grateful but i couldnt shake how much i hated that i was in this situation. when did i lose hope? why did it feel like everywhere i turned i hit a wall? i never focused on the walls before why did i start focusing on the walls? i didnt see myself reflected back in anyone, except maybe gardens and bodies of water. when did i lost hope? i could tell you the moment i found it again. it was really painful. someone made me feel so bad that the sea split in half, two bodies of water that dont mix. this is starting to get fragmented, as my thoughts do when i get emotional flash backs. i just remembered suddenly that i was my own person, and i got mad that anyone would ever try to assert otherwise, i got mad that people dont respect survivors and victims, i got mad that people dont take care of our kids. i got mad that people dont take care of our poor. im still mad about it so mad that it overrode 24 years of people pleasing and fawning. ha. didnt i tell u guys. im always trying to talk about the pain but what i really mean is that i've been guided. let me keep narrating my blessings. ive been given some self sufficiency and i ask for more so ill keep narrating my blessings. i used to not understand rhytym but now i do. i like to play my keyboard, why does it have so many buttons??? i found some nice synths on there and bird and sea noises. i listened to music and worked out. i dont really listen to music anymore but its so grounding to me. i did my makeup. i havent done it in so long my makeup is so old at this point. i watched a movie i liked. was watching videos with paloma elsesser her arch digest is really good. i had pancakes and pasta every day the past two weeks. i love the people in DC so much. talking to fighters of my deen. idk i love this dunya and i love this life i just understood something.
october 25 2025
there was a girl who i really try not to think about who used to tell me i need to be more street smart i didnt know what that meant when she told me but now i know it means to be quiet and move slowly. i think about her like i think about a lot of people, everyone is so moved on with their life, but i used to feel so stuck. like i would still be looking at these people who have nothing to do with my life anymore and thinking about them. why does this happen with only some people. is it because we see something in them that is similar to us? and bc its somewhat similar we feel like we should have an opinion on it. im not going to have an opinion on my life anymore.
i still love dc. i was neglecting georgetown for a long time because well. its georgetown. but like every other place ive lived, i saw Allah there. and it was made a blessed accomodation for me. so today i started loving georgetown again. i loved walking down m street. i loved walking to the water front. i loved going into the same stores i used to always go into. i loved getting the same sandwich i always used to get. i loved seeing people with their friends and families enjoying their time there. it is a little dreamy idk how they did that because its only 20 years old. i wonder what people who went to school there did before they had the stores up m street. i love georgetown it feels like a fairy tale to me. selfishly, i love how much other people like it. how they will get dressed up to go there. i love the education i got and that i had the blessing of learning at that level. im so thankful for every class every conversation with a professor or classmate, every opportunity, every moment at msb or lau. i never thought in my life i would say that. but i spent 2 and a half years hating georgetown and today i dont. i love every piece of art i looked at and studied. i love every second i was abroad and got to see different cities in europe. every meal i ate and every time i walked up and down that nasty hill in fiesole. i love it and miss it so much. while we are here, i miss astoria so much. i turned a corner and it looked like astoria and i started blankly and blinked and stopped in my tracks. i miss how the houses look i miss walking through ditmars every time of the day. i miss the aunts at the masjid. i miss going to yoga classes. i miss playing basketball. i miss the bagel i would get with butter turkey bacon and jaleponos. i love myself so much i wish there was 50 of me. i love this life so much i havent even started narrating my blessings right now. im starting to feel like me again, i want to forget everyone and focus on what i like again, its easy to talk to people again, its easier to imagine success again. IM FED FROM HUNGER IM PROTECTED FROM HARM. why does dc get dreamier every day, why do i forget everything that hurt me, why is it so easy to ignore the trauma suddenly. ok im healed. where is my community im ready for u! just kidding i know where my community is. its 1:22 am, and its the weekend, and i have a fridge full of groceries, and a job that i love. i teach children chess, this is literally my dream job. i feel stillness when i see magenta and green and suddenly everything is magenta and green. i love my home. i love my thoughts. i love my messenger SAWS.
thank u for never letting me go. maybe i got confused by how tight You hold me and thought i should hold things tightly but ya Allah i am not you. i myself was created. every cell in body was created. I only have the capacity to be held by you and be a fighter for your religion. to strive to let light in. to apologize and stand up for myself. im one person, your weak, sincere, creation. actually I will hold one thing, i will hold beautiful pure innocent intention. and may i hold belief? may i hold prayer and fasting and charity? but i cant hold anything else. ya Allah creator of evil i dont hold on to evil
ya Allah i tried to give away everything you gave me and thought it was self less but it was sorrow. im always trying to say the same thing you know, im always trying to scream to everyone that ive suffered but what i mean to say is that im guided with ease
i grew in the same place i was abused again and again and again. i know who i am Allah. i know what i like. i know that i was always running around, i know that i memorized the names of the planet before i knew anything else, i know that i got a light up planetarium and guitar before i knew anything else, i know i knew friendship from a young age. i know i only worried about myself for a long time. i understand the blessings you've given me now. and that i can hold on to them and still serve you. that i have to hold on to them to serve You even if it makes other people in pain. the mirror neurons never learned they had a choice. every cell was made by You. everything is by your decree. i am a weak sincere servant with a little bit of knowledge. ya Allah, I'll never let go of my blessings again.
please forgive me. its not just me, im from women who throw themselves away on the outside but im from women who cradle their belief inside no matter what happens ya Allah. ya Allah im from marsh and compassion. ya Allah im from women who believe in You ya Allah, so don't leave me without guidance. ya Dhaahir, what happened to them that they wont show their belief in the world any more? ya Dhaahir why wont their belief go past their tongues? ya Allah what happened to them when they tried to throw light out of their mouths. ya Allah why do we never put blame in the right place? ya Allah only you know who is pious, ya Allah i come from women with pure intention and belief so grant me guidance to manifest pure intention and belief into reality. i was born in Bangladesh from believing women and i learned liberation from Black revolutionaries, from those fighting in the 60s ya Allah, i cant keep light out of my mouth ya Ahad
thank you for everything you've given me, for the kind witnesses, for the soft magenta carpet and dark green trees with swaying leaves, for lights that twinkle in the eye, for oily pasta, creator of wine creator of time creator of ginger creator of fire